There's a certain hollowness inside me now. An empty feeling. A so-what-comes-next feeling. A what-am-I-going-to-do-now feeling.

My bad really. Blame it on the weak will.

I was supposed to stretch out watching the Buffy season 7 dvds - to prolong the experience, bla bla bla. 6 dvds, 22 episodes. I finished them in 4 days. And that's it. It's all over. Buffy is over. For 7 years I diligently followed this phenomenal series, and now it's no more.

So what happens now?

Clever of Joss to end it on that note too. So what happens now? Is this the end? Will we never see those characters that we've grown to know and love again?

Actually I was a little disappointed with the final episode. I didn't feel there was enough closure. It felt hollow, it felt like something was missing. It didn't end with a bang, more like a whimper. Sure, there's that message of hope and all that bla bla. But I don't know...there's just that 'but'. It just didn't give me that feeling of, "Yes, this is the end. Yes, I can accept that. Yes, I can go away with a good feeling." It didn't.

I want to know what happens to everyone. I want proper closure. I don't want an open-ended ending.

Unless of course Joss has a spin-off in mind...

In which case then, alright.

But seeing how the season ended a year ago and there's still no news of any spin-offs in the making, I'm allowed to gripe about it here.

I want to know what happens to the characters after. In particular, Willow and Kennedy. I want Joss to write a spin-off for Willow, the all-powerful witch. Or maybe a '10 years later' special episode. Or...or...'Andrew, the bumbling ex-villain'. Whatever. I just wish there was another spin-off. One which we can occassionally see the characters we know so well make an appearance. I miss them already.

"So what do we do now, Buffy?"

"We live." You can almost hear her say that as the camera fades off on her smile.

Slayers can begin to live their own lives without being burdened by 'the mission'. Sarah Michelle Gellar can go back to her life without having to be Buffy. So they live.

But what about us? The fans? What are we going to live on now that Buffy's no more?

Yea, right. DVDs.

reading: the portable door by tom holt
spinning: nin9 2 5ive by joey yung
watching: dream of colours, icac2004

Why?

Why is it when it rains, it pours?
Why can you never find anyone when you're lonely?
Why are friends always busy when you want to see them?
Why do those whom you want to hear from never call?
Why do those whom you don't want to hear from always call?
Why are there 5 working days and only 2 days for the weekend?
Why is it the ones you like don't know you exist?
Why is it the ones you don't like are always buzzing around you?
Why is it that lady luck seems to favour only a few?
Why is it that sometimes the slightest insignificant things seem to aggravate so much?
Why are there so many stupid people?
Why do some months seem to go by a lot faster than others?
Why is there always never enough?
Why is it the men I like are always gay?
Why is it the women I like are not gay?
Why are there never any policemen around when you need them?
Why are the things you like almost always bad for you?
Why does day = wake, and night = sleep?
Why do people do bad things?
Why aren't there any free lunches?
Why are answers so hard to come by?

Why?

Because the sky is so high and the bird shit in your eye.

reading: the portable door by tom holt
spinning: 19th floor soundtrack
watching: dream of colours, icac2004, buffy season 7

Made a few new purchases. Well, not a few. Just one. But it's enough. For the month. And probably the next two months...

After thinking/talking about it for yonks, I finally bought myself a new mobile phone. The swanky new Nokia 6230. Cost me a bomb but heck, I just wanted it.

GPRS.
MMS.
SMS.
All the S's.

Yup, I have absolutely no idea how to use the phone. Except for making calls.

Read the manual? Whatever for?! Bah. Manuals are for wimps.

So press press press, beep beep beep, click click click. Tried downloading stuff to the phone only to realise I haven't signed up for the GPRS service with my mobile provider (*knocks heads*).

Still lots to play, still lots to figure out.

And I've figured it's got shitty games! Looks like I'll have to download more...just as soon as I figure out how. I miss the good old solitaire game on my old phone, sigh.

reading: the portable door by tom holt
spinning: me? we! volume one by various artistes
watching: dream of colours, icac2004, buffy season 7

The Colour Quiz/Test, whatever.

And this is what it says about me...

Existing Situation
Trying to improve her position and prestige. Dissatisfied with her existing circumstances and considers some improvement essential to her self-esteem.

Stress Sources
Delights in the tasteful, the gracious, and the sensitive, but maintains her attitude of critical appraisal and refuses to be swept off her feet unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. Therefore keeps a strict and watchful control on her emotional relationships as she must know exactly where she stands. Demands complete sincerity as a protection against her own tendency to be too trusting.

Restrained Characteristics
Willing to participate and to allow herself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension. Circumstances force her to compromise and to forgo some pleasures for the time being. Capable of achieving physical satisfaction through sexual activity.

Desired Objective
Strives for a life rich in activity and experience, and for a close bond offering sexual and emotional fulfillment.

Actual Problem
Wants to act freely and uninhibitedly, but is restrained by her need to have things on a rational, consistent, and clearly-defined basis.

Ohhhhhh-kayyyyyy...

reading: kitchen by banana yoshimoto
spinning: whole body mok mun wai by karen mok
watching: dream of colours, icac2004, buffy season 7

Felt like doing a list too...

Women me likesssss.


Denise Ho.
This one I'm totally in love with. Totally. Absolutely. To the point of obsession. She features in my dreams. Everynight. Ok, well. I wish she would feature in my dreams everynight. *grin*


Katherine Moennig.
Wow. Talk about been smitten. Looking at her just gets me hot under the collar. Hehehehe


Karen Mok.
Sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxy. Grrr.


Kiera Knightley.
So dreamy. So wistful. So...so...yummy...


Kate Beckinsale.
Can't help it. A woman in black tights toting a gun just turns me on.

Yea, Flora's missing. What can I say? I've like totally gone off her. She used to be cool. Lately, she's just boring. Oh well.

reading: kitchen by banana yoshimoto
spinning: the girl in the other room by diana krall
watching: dream of colours, icac2004, buffy season 7

OK, who else doesn't like the new Blogger interface?

Everything's just so big and rounded and cartoony. Not to mention the number of steps you have to go through just to post a new entry.

Just me ranting away...

reading: kitchen by banana yoshimoto
spinning: thousands millions of me by denise ho
watching: dream of colours, icac2004, buffy season 7

A funny and frustrating conversation I had with a friend last night...

ST: Tomorrow's my last day having to sit in the client's office at KLCC!
Me: Oh. KLCC. Hey, could you do me a favour, since you're there. Could you check out the price of the 6230 for me?
ST: 6230? What's that?
Me: Nokia 6230 ah.
ST: I know Nokia la. Only Nokia has those numbers. But I've never heard of 6230. Is it the flip phone?
Me: No, not the flip phone.
ST: Oh wait, I know it's the 7200!
Me: No, it's not the 7200. It's 6230.
ST: Oh yes, no 6230 la. You must be talking about the 6200. I know which one la.
Me: No it's not.
ST: Must be the 6210 then!
Me: It's not the 6200 or whatever number la! I'm telling you it's the 6230! 6230!
ST: Ok lor, ok lor, the 6230. Never even say thank you.
Me: Where you got give me chance to say? You keep changing the model number I give you!
ST: Oh ya...ok lor. Don't change. It's the 6230.
Me: Ya. Thanks. There, say already.

reading: kitchen by banana yoshimoto
spinning: weekend in new england by barry manilow
watching: dream of colours, buffy season 7

A good friend broke up with her boyfriend today.

Don't know if I'm generally cold-hearted or I just don't know how to console people. But I thought I did well. At least I didn't go, "I told you so."

Oh well. Never really thought it would work out anyway. Didn't really know whether she really liked him or liked the idea that there was someone to 'like'. She says she likes him but I just cannot help be sceptical.

Are we so afraid of ending up alone that we take any person that comes along our way? I like to think of myself much stronger than that. And I suppose it's because of that, that I find myself a bit frustrated with her sometimes. I mean, I understand no one wants to end up alone but c'mon, you don't have to see every guy as a potential, do you?! That's like bordering on desperation.

All I could tell her was good riddance to bad rubbish. Why even mope over it when throughout it all, all it caused was pain? I know, I know. It takes time to heal. Everything takes time to heal.

Maybe I haven't truly been 'in love'. Maybe that's why I can't understand.

reading: kitchen by banana yoshimoto
spinning: magic by twins
watching: dream of colours, buffy season 7

He put all our lives in danger today. I don't think he really cared. Of all the stupidest things to do...reversing a good 10-15m on the freeway. Pure genius.

I should cut back on thinking. Doesn't seem to do me any good and only brings more trouble, unneccessary stress and depression.

Oh well.

Back to work tomorrow. Whoopee.

reading: kitchen by banana yoshimoto
spinning: magic by twins
watching: dream of colours, buffy season 7

Thursday is my favourite day again.

Buffy is back! 9pm every Thursday, Starworld. Woohoo!

Nevermind that we're one year behind the rest of the world (hey, at least we still get to watch while it's all over for the rest of the world) or that it's the final season, which means very soon we'll be joining the rest of the Buffy-deficient world (sob!)

Anyway, Buffy. Something bad's a brewing. Spike is mad. Willow's a wreck. Xander, successful? Whoa, there. Anya missing her groove. Giles looking wayyyy cool. Buffy being Buffy. And Dawn, ok at least she managed to get through the opening episode being a lot less irritating than usual. This is a sure sign that I'm going to enjoy this final season (which is pretty redundant seeing how I'm going to enjoy it regardless!)

On a different note, check out this link, The World is Under Attack for a fun and wacky ride.

Oh, and if you haven't noticed, goozebumps has a new look (yes, again!) I like it...and I was up till 5am this morning getting it done, so you had better like it too! Tell me, tell me :p

reading: kitchen by banana yoshimoto
spinning: life is like a dream by jacky cheung
watching: dream of colours, buffy season 7

down.

three quarters of the time i'm feeling it.
it's just whether or not i want to show it.
maybe that's why i sometimes hate being alone.
cos when i'm alone i start thinking all sorts of things.
about how the people around me are so fucked up.
about why can't it all be somebody else's business and not mine.
then all i want to do is go off and do something else.
anything.
lots of things.
immerse myself fully.
so i can think about something else rather than it.
so i don't have to think about it.
don't want to think about it.
but it keeps coming back.
like some horror movie.
to haunt me over and over and over.
but other people can't see it.
cos sometimes i don't let them see it.
but lately it's been coming to the surface.
and i'm not talking.
and they're not asking.
not that i want them to ask.
i'd rather they not ask.
cos i don't know how to explain it.
don't know what to say so that they'll understand.
cos i know they won't understand.
it's like one big bad soap opera.
and there's no happy ending in sight.

It's funny how when you think everything's a bed of roses, something comes and throws a spanner into the works.

Or maybe there's never been a bed of roses. Or maybe all the roses on the bed have thorns that are hidden from view. But when you're on it, in it, they start to prick you all over and you bleed and bleed till there's no more red in you.

Everything's but a lie, a delusion. Made belief so everyone outside looking in thinks that all is well and you're one big comfortable happy. What do you have to lament about? You've got everything you need, you want. You could break both your legs and still you won't starve to death.

But why does everything have to be about monetary value? Why is it that some not well off people can be so generous, while the rich man counts every single cent, spends his money traipising around with other women, supporting their families yet begrudges every single cent that his own family spends?

Makes you want to vomit.

They should be given Oscars for winning performances. For they have painted the perfect picture in front of other people. Those outside looking in don't get it. They think everything's easy, they think they know the person behind the face. But they don't, do they? They don't have to live with that person. They haven't lived with that person.

Who's to be believed? Who's to be listened to?

Everybody's talking at the same time. Everybody has something they want to say. But do you really want to hear? Do you really want to know?

Maybe you just want to crawl back into your shell and wish that things could be much simpler. That you could close your eyes and when you open them everything's just a bad dream. Maybe you should start being a proper person. Maybe you should start standing on your own two feet. Maybe you should call them up everyday after work and tell them you've just worked 10 hours. Maybe you should wave your salary slip in front of them to show them that you're not the useless, good-for-nothing bum whom they think is eroding their massive fortune.

Maybe.

Maybe you could commit murder.

Or maybe you could kill yourself.

Or maybe someone could kill them for you.

Or maybe someone would kill you.

Or maybe tomorrow's the end of the world.

Maybe.

If only it could all end right now.

Life is one big joke. But not everybody's laughing.

Hah.

Just as I'm lamenting over lack of bandwidth, I traipised over to my new home and find that I've been locked out 'cos...

Daily Bandwidth Allocation Exceeded.

Oh well.

Looks like you'll have to wait another day to see it...sigh.

Today.

Now.

This very moment.

I've finally got it done. And I am rather pleased with it. Goocy and Gooby really do make a fine pair. I just hope I have enough bandwidth to see it through. Unlikely. But I'm too bushed to transfer everything to a site with more bandwidth and I'm too cheapskate to wanna pay for more bandwidth on this site. Plus the domain name doesn't sound too bad.

So yea, it's going to stay.

The content hasn't changed really. It's still the same old stuff that was on the blurealm. I've just given it a new coat of paint. Ok, more like moved house, bought new furniture, renovated it a bit and a new coat of paint.

So.

Do tell me what you think (provided by the time you get there, there's still bandwidth left for the day.)

Bookmark it.

Change your links.

Advertise it.

Thank you.

Presenting...

[ w i l d g o o z e c h a s e ]

When I'm alone I tend to do alone things.
Like spend money.
Drink lots and lots of iced tea.
Sit and stare at other people.
Read a book.
Feel sorry for myself.
Shake my mobile phone to see if it's working.
Drive to nowhere in particular with my music blasting.

Yea, well. I'm pathetic. I know that.

Anyway, spending money.
That's what I did the whole of yesterday.

Went all over town (thank goodness that the whole city is elsewhere 'cos of this extra long weekend and the drive down to the city was really quite pleasant) looking for Jacky Cheung's newest Cantonese album, Life is like a Dream. Finally found it at Tower Records. Lovely. Haven't heard any new material from him for so long, so he basically kept me company the whole time yesterday and today.

Then I went book shopping.

I love it when I find quaint little books, authors or titles whom I've never heard of. Usually the first thing about a book that grabs me is the cover design, then the title of the book. So thrilled I was that I ended up buying 4 books.

The Book of Bunny Suicides by Andy Riley - this one is sooo funny. It's actually a comic about little fluffy rabbits who just don't want to live anymore. Hmm. Ok, maybe that description didn't sound that funny, but really the book really, really is. I guess if you have the sort of perverse mind that I have, you'll understand what I mean. You really have to see it to understand. The book, I mean. Not my mind. Ha!

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon - a Whitbread Award Winner. I'm not one who picks up a book because it's an award-winner etc. but the title and cover caught my eye and I started reading the blurb at the back and well, I bought it. Am reading this at the moment and it's pretty interesting - the way it's written as well as how the protagonist who's an autistic 15-year old sees things and goes about trying to solve the murder of his neighbour's poodle.

Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto - 'a juxtaposition of two tales about mothers, transsexuality, bereavement, kitchens, love and tragedy in contemporary Japan.' That's what the description at the back of the book said. Got me hook, line and sinker.

Good Bones by Margaret Atwood - the book's descrip: 'These wise and witty writings home in on Shakespeare, tree stumps, ecological disasters, bodies (male and female), and theology, amongst other matters. We hear Gertrude's version of what really happened in Hamlet; an ugly sister and wicked stepmother put in a good word for themselves, and a reincarnated bat explains how Bram Stoker got Dracula all wrong.' Quirky. The sort of book I like.

And I still have the urge to spend.